Is there something about the number 13 that’s cursed? You know, Friday the 13th style because my week 13 in this journey was the WORST week yet.
Don’t worry, I’m not actually superstitious. 😉
But let me walk you through this past week. Well actually it was this past weekend.
I was DM’d by a sweet friend and she casually told me some news she had seen on Instagram. This news, to her, was just interesting and harmless. To me, it kicked me in the stomach and created a tsunami of emotions.
Please don’t speculate on what that news was. Thats not only unkind to me as your sister in Christ but it’s not the point.
My husband is a truck driver and was on the road. I felt alone in my feelings. I had no shoulder to cry on or a trusting ear to share with. And honestly, with this information, my husband is the only one who would even be able to be there for me because of the circumstances.
AND. SO. I. WENT. TO. FOOD.
I ate ladies. I made a HUGE Taco Salad and scarfed it. I ordered Chilis and hid in my bedroom from my family and ate an entire APPETIZER TRIO with the largest side of ranch ever. I ordered Burger King and ate chicken fries and part of a sandwich. I also ate spoonfuls of peanut butter, on the floor of my bathroom.
I then cried, while my stomach was VERY VERY VERY upset.
This was the first time in 13 weeks that I binged. I returned to my “vomit” as the Bible says in Proverbs: “As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly”
Instead of immediately going to Jesus, I panicked and returned to my false god: food. The emotions that all came up surprised me and in my own very weak strength I couldn’t handle them. I was in pain – a pain I hadn’t felt in months. I thought I was “over it” or that God had taken it away. He hadn’t but that’s not the point either.
The point is – I didn’t go to Christ and I sinned because of it. I’m not beating myself up. His grace is sufficient for me. His grace covers this weekend and the choices I made.
I just want to use this to, not only be honest about my journey, but to encourage you not to make my same choices if you’re faced with pain.
We cannot handle life or our feelings or anything really without Christ. He is the ultimate source of true strength and He wants us to come to Him. He’s our Good Shepherd. We’re His sheep.
I wish I would perfectly place my heart in His Fatherly and Holy hands every single time. It’s making me cry even now. His hands are the only truly safe place for my heart.
I repented of my binging, of using food as a comfort and a numbing agent again, and of spending our money so unwisely.
Moving on, I spent some time with the Lord about this…more than once, twice…okay, I got on my face about 4x in serious prayer over this. Not because He is unfaithful to forgive the first time but because my feelings continued to overshadow joy and so I needed to continue to go back to Him and share, confess, be still, renew my mind with His Word.
The next morning, I “got up” because I actually didn’t sleep at all that night and I ran my first 5k of 2021. I am so proud of myself. My wonderful husband stayed on the phone with me during it, keeping me company and accountable. And I did it!!!!!!
At one point I almost tripped because I was so tired but I did it!
I said last week that I was going to officially weigh in this week but I have decided against it. It’s honestly not important for the lesson of the week.
The lesson is not “Did I gain weight while binging and learn my lesson from it?”
The lesson is that I am so fragile and weak without Christ. I must train my first reaction to be to go to CHRIST and not to food. I still have A LOT of healing to do: in my binge eating disorder, in my lack of self-control, and in trusting the Lord with ALL my heart, mind, and soul.
Another non-scale victory is that I have been going through some clothes and I think I am at the point where it’s time to donate some things to GoodWill.
I love that flower Tee I am wearing. It’s from Target. 🙂
This song is one that I cling to very closely. I hope it blesses you and humbles you to worship the Almighty regardless of pain or prosperity.
About the news that caused me such pain, again, please do not speculate, but I want to report that it’s okay. It’s truly okay. I am going to be okay. This situation is one that may cause me pain for the rest of my life, unless the Lord is merciful and in His most righteous will He removes it from me.
But even if He does not, I will worship.
With Love, Jillian